A typical page of a diary

Morning starts with me opening my eyes. If they open unconsciously without me controlling the process it means that it's time to get up. I Turn my eyes automatically to the window hoping to see a big shadow because it means that the sun is emerging over the mountains. But the shadow is not there. It is floating everywhere.

Standing only in my sleeping shirt by the window and considering the possibility to go for a slight jog but since it's morning it's not that difficult to choose whether you wanna go to sweat or spend a cozy and comfortable time before work with a cup of morning beverage made of lemon, lukewarm water, ginger and honey and then the shower of a perfect temperature.

Spending my last days in this lovely town. Next week I'm off to a bigger city with new possibilities, new people and more sun. I have had my angels everywhere around me lately, they use to appear in numbers. These signs make me rely on the present more and feel very confident about myself and my decisions hence I don't feel depended on anyone or anything but the subtle inner me that would never let me down. I'm grounded here and now with all my pieces, they are all here, presence is complete. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

Trying not to relate other people to my happiness because it's really selfish of me. It doesn't work neither hence it's a waste of time. I can attract situations, material things without souls but trying to evolve an exact person would mean me stealing their freedom, a thing that I would never give up myself.

So there is a small bit of thinking to be made. And I finally bring some order to this blog with a new theme, new posts that perhaps are a bit easier to understand. It's not only for people who are reading it, it's also for me to see some kind of pattern in my thoughts using blog as a map. I wouldn't put any order here if there was no one who read it so thanks for those couple of views I get! x))


Have a couple of resolutions for my near future. Do my best at the new job, enjoy Ålesund, learn more things, stay classy and visit Gatebil!

Random is not that random. Mess is not a mess if it has a meaning

I really like having everything organized. It kills me a little bit when good stuff that I care about is not in a right order. This blog is a mess. Here are a lot of dark thoughts from the early beginning of thinking and that broken English. Why do I write stuff in this language? Firstly, I consider it being kind of a challenge or even training hence it's a part where I keep going further towards education and perfection. Secondly, sometimes I rather find better English words to express what I really want to say. And well.. Lithuanian I use for making art. Norwegian is my ''working'' language that is used for daily chats not going anywhere deeper. But English. I keep catching myself forgetting structures, idioms or even words. Especially it happens when I'm talking to this one person.

I know I could do better talking with him. But my brain simply keeps lagging. And I know that it is only psychological, my subconscious is playing annoying little games with me from time to time. I'm trying to fight against that babbling but it just makes it worse. I am in a total peace when we are not talking but it seems that I have so much to say. Might it be that my soul actually recognizes that frequency and enjoys flawless communication shutting down all the unnecessary noises coming from the mouth that tries to follow the relationship rules and considers the silence between two people being awkward or so dangerous that it might even kill?

This man has so much to say. I have so much time to listen.
I would love to give a lot. But not sure if he needs it yet.

Whatever happens, it will always turn out to be in my favor. Either our souls keep talking with each other or the restless mind kills this relationship. It will make me stronger anyways. Even the feeling that I am experiencing being with him encourages me to go forward knowing that such thing exists. This feeling encourages me to look, explore, wait and be patient. One soul takes care of another and smooths the rough surface of insecurity and self-doubt.


I really like how random my thoughts go through the web of possibilities. It certainly helps me to come up to some conclusions. Sometimes I even make me some closures. Always have to write everything in a positive way, though. The power of the mind is incredible and it keeps increasing while analysed and expressed further.

Strandastolen

Shallow and steep,
interesting but bored,
green and dark,
glowing and extravagant,
sneaky and playful,
classy and elegant,
crazy but listening,
talking and repeating,
ongoing but waiting,
strong but still on track,
mysterious and melancholy,
full of life and challenging,
welcoming and cosy,
revealing and resistant,
confused but  always waiting for the sunrise which illuminates it with pride.

This is my mountain. This is me.

One little fail

How did it come that I was ready and wanted to share myself and my freedom with another person but no one showed up?
But what if I was just asking them to share themselves and their freedom with me?
That's how it looks like for me now. I used to daydream spending their time with me, occupating their mind with my thoughts. But who am I to ask for this...     ?

You had better come and I will spend my time with you. Come and I will share it. I have enough. Even if I did not... Come and get a spit of a my sunlight and decide what you want to do with yours.

Life of Nano-minimalist

So. As a public secret, I decided to become minimalist. And I am.
Came back to Norway a week ago, staying at friends parents having 9 000 kroners in my bank account.
Car doesn't work. Work is not until 17th of March. Need to find a plce to live.
These are only strict facts. But it's enough to call me nano-minimalist.

It's been so many ups and downs on this week. Wanna hear what has been happening the previous last days?.. Or maybe no one of you give a f*ck about it but it would be nice for me to sum everything up and read it later to my kids. So I'm going to put everything here while I haven't lost my memory.

Came back from Lithuania to Norway on Friday, 28 th of February, 2014. (I had a month break because there was no work to do at my work place)
The next morning the very first idea came up to my mind. I need to make an add saying that I am looking for a place to live. So I did. And highlighted the sentence that said I needed only one small room. After doing that I went to check ou the appartment near my work. I was willing to rent it with my colleague so it would have been cheaper for both of us. The owner Ali wanted 4900 kroners + electricity bills (approximately 1000 kroners a month) but my colleague needed to wait a month because he was renting another apartment at that time. Well, I could have lived there alone for that one month but it was too expensive for me. Remember how much I have on my bank account..? After checking that appartment me and few of my friends went to local annual event. On the way home my car broke down... It was the same problem as I was having before I left. Antifreeze was leaking. But when I was going up and down the mountains it went off faster than I expected, the tempreture of an engine raised almost to 120 degrees of celcius and the lamp of oil showed up. Okay.. Stopped immediately. There was much steam coming from the engine that day...
I took a smoke and called people to pick us up.
The next day we went there with extra antifreeze and somehow managed to reach home with my girl, Audi A4. But I was risking as hell, I was driving approximately 12 km with red oil lamp on. On the way home we stopped at gas station to buy more antifreeze so I could manage to go to mechanic at least to check what was actualy wrong. But sorry norwegians, I need to say that. You people suck at these kind of things. You don't know shit about cars... But didn't have a choice. It's my second car here. But I lost the first one because of my own fault. I ended up outside the road on the roof! :P What an experience. Anyways... Afer I bought some extra antifreeze I remembered the add I had made in the morning so we went to the local shopping center and put it there. Then we noticed a big car on the parking lot and my friend's dad recognised people sitting in it. So we went to them to have a chat. They were a young family of lithuanians that have just bought a house so they invited us for a cup of coffee. But I only drink tea. So I didn't go. Naah, of couse I did. It's free tea! The very first rule of minimalist is to sign up for everything that is for free.
We were talking, laughing... And it came that the man called Thomas knows a lot about cars and works at the center of used car parts. I asked if he could take a look at my vehicle and he did. He found a problem withing 5 minutes...
Later that day I got an answer for the add. Two american women were back to norway visiting their aunt who is a nice 80 years old lady. She had a big house all by herself and her relatives had an idea to rent the basement apartment so the old lady wouldn't feel lonely and would be safer if I lived  there in case of emergency and things like that. I couls also have helped her with cleaning and things. They asked from me only 2000 kroners for a month. So I came back home happy willing to get that appartment in the middle of a small city center that I live now.
On Monday I had my car fixed. But the lamp of oil was still on and the engine was making a small weird extra noise. Thom suggested to buy some better oil and change the oil filter.

The next day I got a text from the ''greanny's appartment'' that they want to see me one more time and make sure that granny Toruun agrees. So I came there again, talked for one more time and the granny seemed happy to see me there. So we started cleaning the basement, making some space at the garage when her daughter came to as and said 'I am very sorry... She's not ready... She panicked or something, she afraids of the fire that you may set and other things... I am terribly sorry, we really like you but she's old, also, many things are going on right now so she needs some rest...'
Ha!
Haha!
''Yes, no problems, it is what it is... I still have one option.''
Hahaha...

Later that day I went to Ali's and he had already changed his mind about the flat. He wanted to rent every room for 4000 kroners a month but electricity was included. But he also wanted a deposit for me to pay, at least for one month but hey... I couldn't afford it. So I was delaying saying yes.

But still needed fuel. The shop was in other city, one hour away. Going by bus would have been extremely expensive but there came my other friend who was going to Ålesund on Thursday anyways. So I suggested him some company.
In the morning I went to norwegain language course when my colleague called and said that Ali was asking him 3500 kroner a month for one room. We thought it was not fair even if it was 3500 kroners. That small room is worth no more than 2000... And he said that I would be stupid if I made a contract with that arabian guy for 4000 kroners. So was still delaying... And calculating if I would manage to pay him everything he wants.
After course Lambi took me to Ålesund. And it was a very good day. We were laughing, I even forgot about all the problems I had been struggling with lately. I bought oil, accesories for the kitchen...
In the evening the oil has been changed and the engine worked much better. But the lamp was still comming up sometimes. But I suggested it might have been a problem with oil pressure sensor. So Thom is going to get some used sensors and change them, then we will see what happens. But at least I can use my car again... That's a big relief because it's more than impossible to live here and go to work and stuff without a car...
Also, I wrote a message for Ali ''3500 kroners and I'm moving in tomorrow''. Then he answered that he didn't need to pay deposit (that was the main problem for me) but it's still 4000 kroners. I said okay. Well, what choice did I have? Then he said that we were going to talk tomorrow.

So tomorrow is today, the big Friday. I woke up happy, haven't feel that way for several days. Said thanks for the Universe and started packing a bit. No one called me. So I tried to call to Ali but he didn't answer. Called three more times after. Then I called for my other colleague, my very good friend Linda (the magic Linda) and asked her if she had any other kitchen stuff that she didn't use and asked for little help with translating because I thought I was going at Ali's and he doesn't speak english, only norwegian and I'm only a beginer at that language so it's a bit difficult to understand. She nodded on the phone and asked me to call her when I need her. Right after I hung up, I finally got a message from Ali saying that he's sorry and that he's already rented a flat for someone else...............................

And that's when I laughed insanely. Was that really happening? Yes, I still has his messages after one, after two hours... And still keeping it as a proof for myself that this have really happened. Then I sat in a car, went to the city center and took few smokes. Asked the Universe what she had prepared for me. There definately must be something, I just need more signs to know what to hope for.
I was getting along with the thought about living there, about sharing the flat with two more people, probably men... But I didn't care, I needed a place to live immediately bacause I have been stuck here far too long, my friend's parents are nice people but I cannot use them. It's wrong. I had already lived with them for 3 months before and they didn't ask any money from me... They helped me a lot, helped to find a job, helped to find a car and even lend some money when I needed. After these three months I moved to magic women Linda because she went to spend some weeks in Cape Verde islands with her boyfriend and I promised to take care of her dog. So I stayed there longer than few weeks. And she had no problems with it. Didn't ask for money neither. I could make another twice as big post writing about people I've met here and how they are returning me the hope in humanity... And about other people that I considered being my friends but apparently they don't care that much... Even if they know that I am spending darkest days in my life...

Thom is an amazing person who's trying to help as much as possible without waiting for any reward. He thinks that people has to help each other. And I love that attitude.
I have been helping others as much as I could and now I need help...

If I were minimalist, I had a small place to live and only few neccessary belongings. Now I call myself nano-minimalist. I don't have that much as minimalist has.

Here, look! A small diamond shines in the ashes. Go and picke it up!
Lol nope, no diamond for you today. What an optimist.
What will tomorrow bring me?


And few hours ago I opened a new envelope of my car's ensurance bill saying that I need to pay 7000 kroners until 20th of April.
And now I laughed even harder...

If I survive this... What a big score that would be, huh?

New year, belongings, spanish and geography

This life cannot be lived without marks. I want a lot to tell and a lot to experience. This wish comes to feelings and they come to emotions. Then emotions become actions and eventually it happens.
I want to be useful on Earth. I want to do a lot of things and see everything that is worth to be seen. I want to get rid of things I don't need. I want to have everything I need in one backpack. Can you imagine how much weight would fall off from your back? It would be much easier to manage everything. Only one backpack. Going wherever you want with all your stuff.
It's not difficult for me to move from one place to another because everything I have can easily be put in a car. And it's still too much...

Conclusion: Need to learn how to live with less things. In comparison with some people I have only few belongings. And it's still too much. GET RID OF THINGS I DON'T USE. And learn to use as less as possible.

I want to be useful and do things that would mean something or would help for someone. I can work in a campany and fill pockets for my boss. But not for a long time. I don't work only for money to myself. I want that energy I put on my work to go to the right place and would stay there for a good reason. And it does not matter how much I would earn.. Does not matter at all. I'm still rich. Rich of love. I love being in the mountains, looking at the Sun, meeting people and breathing fresh air. Does that cost anything? No! So why do I need lots of money again..? And put all of my energy to have a lot? But don't use it? That's the question I've been struggling on. But not anymore. I'm totally good.

Conclusion: Have a job you love doing. Work where you love doing that. Does not matter if salary is poor as long as it's enough to cover system's requirements and pay for some food. And for a roof if you really need to have one.

Another thing I've been on to lately is... Geography. I think I've finally found my thing. Wanna know more about processes that cannot be avoided. And science about the Earth seems so real and cannot be wrong because it can be easily proved. It's like getting to know your house better, knowing rooms you can go to and getting know it's habitants - your house mates.

Conclusion: Not really a conclusion, just consideration. Studying geography. Somewhere where it's warm and nice. Coldness me no likey.

And in the near future.. to learn spanish. After I'm done with norwegian...
Tusen takk for i dag, vi snakkes.. noen gang.

Oh yes and since it's a new year.. I think it's good to start it with that kind of thoughts. AMIRITE?

What have you prepared for me now?

What kind of lesson is hidden now? Is it experience? Or is it what?
I remember when I was still in my country I used to daydreaming about lots of adventures and traveling... I was living it in my subtle world. Then I planed a trip here where I am now. Ok.. That was not a surprise at all because I knew I was going. So I had no big shock at all. But that was an easy beginning of my adventures...

What was the first one... Ok. I came here and I was continueing my holiday time. I spenrt approx three weeks with my friend. Then a good person helped me to find the job. There I met an awesome much older person. We are now very good friends. It was her shift when I first came. Five in the morning... She was teaching me a new job. Then she was giving me a lift and I started talking about these things such energies and stuff.. And she saw my pentagram necklace. And after we arrived she told me: I don't know.. I just feel like I trust you. And I also trusted her. That's how it worked. Since then she helped me a lot with many things.

After some time other person suggested me to buy his car. That's what I did. Spontaniously bought a car. It was a good car. A black car. Her name was The Black Rainbow. I liked it. We were like one. But one morning after work the snow decided to melt because of the temperature and I ended up outside the road upside down. How everything happened is a different story. Only thing I can tell is that few seconds before I starded slipping I knew that this would happen. And like two seconds later a car stopped and helped me. OIn this time of the day on that road goes approximately one car in an hour. And here it is... The universe gave me the best from the worse. And I'm thankful for that. After that accident I didn't have any time to get into stress or shock or anything.. Just a calm person.. Just suggested help. Was I hurt? No... Even no scratch. After few days I took that car from 'emergency center' and drove it home. Yes, that beast was still alive. And the very moment when I very needed a car I still had it. More or less making sounds while driving I could move from one place to another.

Then the moment to deliver the car to junk yard came and I had to do it. Because fixing it here... Is pointless. People take anormous amounts of money of doing stuff and you cannot be sure if did their work professionaly. So you are suppised to throw a good little broken thing out and buy a new one. Yes.. BUY MORE. BUY. So then I decided to buy a new car. Feeling the lack of money I did it. But money does not bring me hapiness. They come they go. Ok, I do not mind. I just need them for food and electricity. No more. And the day after I've bought a car... My boss told me that from next year, from january me and 5 other colleagues will not have anything to do there for more than two moths. What are we supposed to do now? He has no ideas.

The day before I had a little breakdown as you can see in a previous post. And hi there, a change came. The Universe gave me a puzzle that I have to solve. Whether I want it or not. I need to solve it. Unless... I don't know. I was thinking that during this time while I was working in this place I had my lesson to be tought. Maybe I'm done with this chapter and another awaits? Another adventure? Another experience?
And then I started smiling.. After I figured out this thing. Than I was amazingly happy for this to happen. I'm even waiting for january just to see what I will figure out. What I will do. I'm getting excited for a new thing to happen. I'm getting my energy back. It's a difficult thing to do but I'm still learning.

Unfortunatelly... I think that one thing is only magical. And I can only have it in my subtle world of feelings. I feel that it would never come to the world of senses. I hope I'm very wrong.

Take me to the Sun

I've been always thinking that living alone would be very good and nice. And good experience. And more time to think and to make things I've always wanted to make. Meditations for example.. or lucid dreaming.. Just enjoy the silence and listen to myself. For one to adapt.. Adapting is not a problem for me at all. If I could I would sacrifice myself for others to feel happy and full of joy.. Maybe their good mood affects me too so I also feel satisfied and forget my little problems. Only if my sacrifice would change anything... I could do anything, to give anything for honesty among us, true feelings and real faces.

And now it's the forth day I've been living alone. I start feeling lonely even if I have people that I now I care for them. But usualy lots of illusions come to my head... About a perfect life with not that much things that I have now. I don't need a lot. And extra belongings that I have but I don't need just drive me crazy. Little by little. I can almost feel them sitting on my back whatever I do...

Everything I need is true things. I would be satisfied with only one only if I knew it was truly true. From the heart.

And now I'm alone, as I aways wanted. Maybe it's time to teach myself something? I'm still wondering what the Universe has prepared for me... It's been such a different lifetime for me as I have imagined I would have when I was a kid. I took so much risk, I've been brave and stepped out of my borders. Now I'm in a wide world and cannot choose where to go.. Or where to stay.

I don't need money. At all. They do not make me happy. Not at all. I just use them as other do and that's it. Maybe it's my sacrifice for others who needs it and feels so good when they get it.. Only if money would make you happy.. I would give it to you. 

Everything in this world is not as I expected. Most of the things are worse. But that's the wolrd, right? This fake world of blindness... I understand this so clear now. But I don't feel like a part of it. I'm a part of the Universe where real things happen.

And I'm alone here now... Wind makes a lot of noise and I wish it ripped my roof of. Even the flip with my car have made me laugh. Was it supposed to be funny? Or was I supposed to have a big life lesson as other keep reminding me? I still cannot understang the meaning of that accident. Maybe one day I will.

And if you would ever ask me why I am doing one thing or another, I would always have an answer. I just do not accept unconsious nonsense that people have fallen into. Everything has to have a reason. Even the smallest move. I not.. it becomes a virus and splits deep.. to your bones. Then suddenly you're a sheep.

I'm coming back to being alone. Just laying in my bed with computer on my lap. Random thoughts meterealizes by clicking little buttons. Are they supposed to become a  part of me? Or I'm just again just observing them slowly passing my conciousness? 

I don't know what touches me and what just flows from me anymore...

Is my job worth such much time making money for others? You would say that I'm also making money for myself. But I don't know if it's worth... Because it does not bring me joy. Money comes money goes. Money pass. And I still have nothing. Is it worth working so hard untill you do not hear inner you? So you could just exist? I did not choose that.. And if I'm reaching the topic about freedom... Screw that.. That's to much. How can everyone be so blind.

And I'm still here, grounding myself. Take me to the Sun. To one of those real things. And let me go or go with me. You cannot hold me. I'm radical. Everything or nothing. Either way I will be ok. Just not somewhere lost on the middle. Ok..?

It's been four months here. And I'm getting the fear of settling in the wrong place again. Work-home. Home.. Work.. How is that fun? Everything is not about it. So take me to the Sun. And let me go. Or go with me. Do not really want to be alone, I need someone. If you can handle yourself by yourself  - I congratulate you. You are a very strong person. Because it's not always I can cope with that.. With that pile of garbage that lays on me. I do not have a shovel for that... But the problem is... I know that under that thick layer of nonsense lays something. Or am I just curious. 

Take me to the Sun, show some signs in tonight's dream and go with me... Because I'm still alone.

The truth

Kelti karus, žudyti vienam kitą dėl žemių ar nesutarimų, kieno dievas geresnis, yra pasibjaurėtina. Tai visiškai necivilizuotas elgesys. Mūsų pasaulyje vis dar gaji primityvi samprata, kad didelės žuvys ryja mažąsias, bet žmonės privalo iš to išaugti.
~Jules Evans, 'Filosofija kasdienai ir kitiems pavojingiems gyvenimo atvejams', 2013.

Something is comming up

To tusen og femten.

Summer.

Hm?
Yes, hm.

AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

We have started thinking about a big new trip.

People: Odeta, Indre, me.

• Chill
• Europe
• Beaches
• Many discoveries
• Stressless (about society and stuff)
• A lot of new friends
• Long
• Loud
• Beautiful
• Teaching
• Clothes? Well, yeah, but not much attention for it.
• HD
• Free
• Places
• People
• Buildings
• History
• NATURE
• ... hopefully comming soon.

A van with a bedroom on top. A little hand made kitchen in the back and a little living room in the middle. An average suitcase for each to put our belongings. And then extra stuff what we may need:

• Torches
• Candles
• A little HD camera (for making daily videos)
• Outside chairs
• Blankets
• Stuff for making an outside fire
• Showering stuff
• Paper, pens, pencils
• Computer
• GPS
• A paper map
• Kitchen stuff
• Music
• Board games
• Plastic roof or something like that

These are very first ideas. But we are developing them and still working for new ones, ikke sant?

An idea for a van

Kai paprastumas stipriausiai įkvėpia naujai veiklai. 

Tiek daug neperskaityta, tiek nesužinota, tiek nenugyventa ir tiek dar nepajusta. 

Viskas stebima šaltom akim, stiklo apgaubty sėdima ir mąstoma. Būnama nautraliam, bet tik ne dugne. Sėdėti tykiai, eiti ramiai, nevarginant savo nervų, kurie dažniausiai būna išjudinti be reikalo, užtat jų sustabdymas kainuoja daugiau. 

Viršugalvis po stogu, žvilgsnis abejingas.

Galvoje miškai su giriom, tankumyniški krūmynai ir NEI VIENO paprasto kirmino, kuris be vargo galėtų sukelti sąmyšį tavo nervų ląstelėse.

Gilūs ir banguoti vandenynai, tikri dalykai aplink. Iš trupinių sudėtos vizijos ir po truputį užgimstantys jausmai, kurie niekuo gyvu neiškils ir per savo trumpą egzistencijos laiką niekada neplūduriuos paviršiuje.

Sistemos tikslingumo laidotuvės ir sūrių popkornų dėžutė bestebint absurdo scenas, per kurias smegenys atsisako veikti ar bandyti surasti prasmę.

Refreshing summer

This summer is like cold water to inner me and it feels so refreshing.. It washes all of the dirt that has been on me for a long time. The dirt of nonsense and stupidity.
Devilstone Fest was something that other people could envy us for. Seas of whiskey and loads of new friends. I could talk about every person that I've met there non-stop... Simply intelligent, wise and free people.

Randomly remembered things that cannot be transformed into a normal text...
• Lauri and Joona from Finland. Two little bastards. So many things we had in common.. Joona's jacket with QOTSA, his whiskey, voice of Vile Vallo and.. Truckfighters! Lauri's stories about traveling and another meet in my city. And finaly, after long sleepless nights, I can say Joona's name correctly! Credits to Lauri. ;)
• How could I ever forget the guy from Germany... Marius was his name-o. His cute face and two 'grandchildren'... The poverty has made him to sleep on the bench in the rain and to borrow some money from Lauri and Joona. Well, word 'poverty' was a joke. Wet night was caused by stuff that have been happening in his tent... So yeah, he wasn't that poor, he had a tent and had some money on his credit card BUT. But bank didn't want him to have them in his pocket... He also draws awesomely. And has remarkable skills of rolling joints! His last night stories about his trips and having fun inspired me and my other new friend to do much more than we had thought we could do...
• Nice hotel where bands have stayed and showers in it... Aaaaaghr, that feel when you live in a tent and wake up feeling even worse than homeless person and you can drive to a hotel and have a shower for only 4 lits...
• Waiting for Odeta in a parking lot next to a hotel. And my first time exploring the fish eye lense. Results shall come to Lauri's web album pretty soon I hope!
• Stoned Jesus concert... Oh, the performance was something that you couldn't forget that easy even if you tried hard. By he time we came to the concert, we felt the smell of great thing that use most people who likes desert rock. So we decided to follow this aroma and it didn't take too long to find potential users of green stuff... Still, we enjoyed observing them and, of course, the music. [I'm the mountain, Bright like the morning, Black woods....] Moving to the rhythm with our eyes closed.
• Crazy nun, the reaper deep in a forest and a black guy in white that I touched his face and put some point from there on my cheek. Oh, and a chicken Peter Griffin.
• Breakfast in bed, mothafucka!! Pagis, our new friend woke us up with 2 chocolate bars and some pomegranate juice. There also were few candidates in waking us up, but Pagis showed the class.
• Smuggling, bwhahaha!

mkay...

Viskas taip lengvai lūžta... Viskas taip trapu... Gali atrodyti kiek nori stipru, reikia tik tinkamo įrankio tai suskaldyti. Užtektų, rodos, ir vieno kirčio. Bet dažniausiai prireikia viso gyvenimo. Viso gyvenimo apgavysčių, melo bei naivuolių atleidimo. Bet juk jie išlošia. Energetiniame lygmenyje. O kaip mūsų dimensijoje? Atrodo, jog energijų sąveikavimas čia vyksta visiškai atvirkščiai, bet mes vis stengiamės jį paaiškinti logiškai.
Ar aš viską padariau blogai? Ar tu padarei viską blogai? Tu liepi atsiprašyti, bet nesi auka. Išsiaiškinau, jog esu auka ir vien dėl to tu save tokia laikai? Tai nėra racionalu, nes tvirčiausias yra paskutinis žingsnis. Jis lemia viską. Ir reiškia viską.

Bet tavo bukumas... Ir kaip tu, galingasis ir garbingasis, mylimas ir protingas vyre, sugebėjai parkristi prieš tokią menką būtybę... Kai tavo atžala sugeba sutriuškinti savo protų tą niekingą būtybę, o ji, iš durnumo besiraičiodama dar bando kažką pasakyti.. Tik gaila, kad nebesigirdi jos mielo ir švelnaus balselio. Gal ta didi būtybė supras..? Nors.. Jei per tiek metų nesuprato. Kodėl geros mintys tik dabar turėtų ateiti? Aha, tikrai..

Beveik susitaikiau su naujomis mintimis. Jos jau gyvena su manim, aš vos ne su jomis. Gal taip bus geriau? Gal tai turi būti, gal ši gyvenimo linija būtent ten veda? Per daug ramiai jau išbuvau. Sukrėtimai visai naudingi. Viską iškuičia, iškuičia, suverčia aukštyn kojom, paskui bent jau turiu ką veikti, kol tvarkysiuosi.. Ha, sugalvojau. Gal netvarkyt? Paliksiu viską taip. Dabar visai gerai. Pailsėsiu, galvos nebeskaudės, pasigėrėsiu gamta, o visa kita lai būna many kaip buvę. Juk sveikas protas užkonservuotas tupi ramiai sau kamputy, kai reikės, panaudosiu.

Manęs nėra

Ūkanota tyla. Štai kas man padėtų. Tyla laukuose arba toli nuo čia. Per daug mąstau, per daug viskas pinasi į vieną, tada gaunasi vienas didelis užterštas gilus upelis. Nėra nieko blaivaus, tik stipri nesąmonė. Tik aš pati galiu sau padėti, pati galiu išsigydyti savo ligos pradžią. O, kas jei ji man yra būdinga nuo tokio amžiaus..? Kai būsiu sena, liga progresuos ir baigsiu savo laimingas dienas viena. Psichiatrijos ligoninėje numalšinta vaistais. Self esteem yra minusiniame lygmenyje. Atvaizdas žiūrint į bet kurį paviršių, kuris turi sugebėjimą atspindėti fotonus, verčia nusisukti. Ten matau tik skirtingas personas, kurios niekaip tarpusavy nedera. Ne, užbaigti visko aš nenoriu. Savotiškas pasitenkinimas tai jausti, vienai mano pusei tai patinka. Kitos pusės, kurių dar begalybė, veržiasi tolyn, aukštyn. Bet nei vienoje nėra manęs. Nei vienos dalelės manęs. Nei vieno atomo su sveiku branduoliu. Manęs tiesiog nėra, yra daug visko, tačiau manęs nėra. Kur ieškoti? Kur giliau įmanoma knistis? Nėra jokio kelio, šachtos užgriuvusios neatkasamai. Nėra manęs. Dar neteko pajusti savęs nei karto. Nebent tada, kai aš ieškau dar tų pusių. Bet jų jau per daug.. Ne.. Daugiau tikrai nereikia! Reikia susitvarkyti gyvenimą,  pasimti teisingą kelią. Kurį? Kuris yra MANO, jei toks dalykas kaip 'aš' neegzistuoja šitame kūne? Tai tik kūnas su siela, su paprasta siela, kuri neturi nieko. Neturi nieko tokio, kas būtų mano. Ji gyvena kreive, kuri pakilusi ir nusileidusi vienu metu. Paprasta pilkuma, kad ir kaip aš bandyčiau ją nuspalvinti įvairiau, ką jau kalbėti apie vieną ir tą pačią spalvą, spalvą, kuri nėra pilka. Manęs nėra... Ir nebus dar ilgai. Visos įmanomos neracionalios jėgos iš manęs šaiposi. Aš gavau per daug logikos, kad jas suprasčiau, kad suprasčiau kaip jos veikia, kad galėčiau jas perprasti ir jų nepaisyti arba jų vengti. Nepriskiriu 'savęs' niekam, bet ir priskiriu visiems. Manyje pilna visko, tik ne manęs. Aš per daug įvairi, kad galėčiau būti pastovi, ypač tada, kai tą pastovumą aš dievinu. Mane nuraminti darosi vis sunkiau, man pačiai tenka dėti vis daugiau pastangų save mėgti. 

Mintyse kartais viskas tobula būna. Gal tegul taip ir lieka.. O, kad ta logika ir racionalumas dingtų iš manęs.. Žudyti dienas, ardyti save. Jei jau taip yra, tegul lieka iki galo! Jeigu jau toks pasisekimas svarbiausiame dalyke gyvenime turi atnešti bent kiek laimės..? Jeigu tai turi suteikti vilties ir valios laukti..?

Shizo............

Emptyness and all of the thing feels the same

Emptyness and all of te things feels the same. Everything and nothing.
''You say you've found your way but does it lead to the light?''
''Some feels the pain in a chest, is it possible to be a heart?''
(Some lines from that song)

Few moments of happiness. When they end they remind me that I'm still alive and can still feel. My way is not related with that feel, that good feel of happiness.
People say I'm pure evil, I'm angry and mad all of the time. I can't deny. When here's nothing that brings me joy...

Remember remember the 12th of December...

Happened a lot today. All the things that always happen

expressing myself. or how to do this

I thought I knew people. I thought I read their faces. Well, I still do. But have experienced the other kind of them. It's two-faced people who shows or changes their face when you have been doing with them well for a long time... When you thought you knew them so good...
After that realisation I felt amazed, surprised and confused. I couldn't believe I had two close friends and then they just.. They turned against me.. I felt weak because I couldn't read them anymore, they've  left  another mystery for me to handle, another shitty secret alone but that quest was too easy for me. I've already known the answer. FAGGOTS.

That boredom.. Boredom again.. I have no interest in living. I think that the time I spend everyday has to be useful, entertaining and interesting. But when I come back home, another website is opened, another song is listened to clean my soul a bit and then again.. NOTHING. When people ask me like 'sup?' I can definitelly say 'nothing much' without telling any lie. Becouse nothing is ever UP here. I try to educate myself in subjects I like a lot but I know that books and other stuff like education destroys human's creativity power. I can't say I'm very creative. But I feel that something inside me wants to get out and longer I wait faster it goes to the level of bursting. I feel like my arms, legs and mouth are in jail,  like I have to do things that everyone does just to guarantee (tried to make this word look very sarcastic) my place in society. Reading something that other people have written.. It's like wtf for me. I like it my way. I like to think, argue with myself without reading their thoughts, their opinions especially when I don't agree with them. That way society put themselves in fucking plastic frames which can be melted with any other opinion and can be changed so easily in that way.. Moreover, people don't think they're in frames, they think they're educated, fucking smart asses. But sorry, mates, smart asses were/are authors and philosophers who wrote stuff and they thought they were right. And they are right becouse they thought like that. I'd better do my things than absorb other's. I create but not building myself from other's ideologies.
Crapp I forgot what I wanted  to say. Wait, I don't even know what I want to say. I just feel and that feeling cannot be expressed in any language (so it's not becouse of my english skills, don't worry).

I'm into music now

A first song that I created. Yeah, now I'm into music. Well. I was before but not that much as now. I didn't enjoy the task I had to do during the lesson so I write an impulsive text that I could interpret it to a song. It should be performed like light stoner rock or shoegaze. Just need some melody. But it's going to be later, when I get more skills at my electric guitar.

Go outside, see nothing
Run Straight forward into sea
That brightness burns my skin.

My weightless body
Sinks in sand
Leaving everything above me

Feathers in the air
And I am one of them
Getting high as they are
Falling slow like they do

These cliffs of chalk
Are on my way again
But I'm a feather
Getting high, falling down.

Blinded of brightness
Warmth from the sand
Flying up to the sky
Disappearing in Sun

When thinking reaches the 4th demension

I remember movies about apocalypses and stuff, where is no electricity, no police, no vechicles. Absolute silence and darkness at night. Increasing level of crime and violence. Also I know what Mayans have predicted many years ago. If they were right, Earth and all the people who are alive are going to face these things. Electricity may be cut off for 3 months or so since around December 21st. Well.. If it has to be done.. Let it happen. Many of human beings have deserved to be sentenced that way becouse of their thoughts and actions. Maybe then they would realise something, that there is some other power, that their plastic world excists in other, the real World, a world of nature, other people, animals, the certainty. Also it'd be a great opportunity for other to take some rest, to learn something and get rid of addicion of computers or the Internet.
My biggest problem is that I THINK TOO MUCH.

Ocean of sand and the desert of water

Illuminated desert. Colour is so pure, surface is so soft, felling is so deep and so warm. Lying on erratic graves of love, melancholy and light. Magnifique ocean lies beside me and I'm not afraid of depth anymore, I can exlore these waters, transforming the worst nightmare to a pure dream. Flowing towards the 3rd demention with tears in the eyes which tells about that perfect warmth and sense of freedom whenever I go.

But I'm here, on the Earth, argueing with the pain and lie, trying to save my heart from piercing by sadness sword, bewaring nonsense and keeping myself close to the fire. 

Further, in woods, tight pieces of sun are watching me, forcing my eyes to look at themselves over and over again. I exhale these last spatters of smoke and enjoy sounds of a soul. It seems to be singing. Long shadows, walls made of stone will protect me. 

Just.. come here.. I am still waiting ~

New things are old things

You find something good by surprise, always, couse if you want to get some good new shit in your head you try to do that quick and anything that has a bit of goodness can easily get a part of you ( I thing this is how commercials work).

Old good things disapear, new things stay for a bit until they get old and also disapears. This is a story of my. I can't find myself. I've been looking for this for a really long time. In the past I used to think that it's impossible not to find yourself, not to understand yourself.. But here I am - standing on my own old minds, convincing myself that I was wrong. I'm on that crossroad, in the middle of a desert of Nevada and thinking which way to go - the previous one or to be something or someone on the other road, or  turn in different way that haven't been examined or tried. Live for yourself or live for someone else. My main feel of this time is shame. Shame on me and 'persons' I was before. I want to kill them. They're sick. And thanks god he gave me enough brain to understand, to stop just in time. Well, almost. 

Insanity

you wanna  move - there's no motion

you wanna smile - but there's no emotion!

you want to stand up, but lava surounds you

you want to insist, but let's just fuck this

(O. correction)

Lost here forever

Wasting time for my own sake is awesome. Feeling that carelessness and amazingness all around me.. Friends, spare time, perfect weather, music, beer and cigarettes makes a piece of paradise.

But the days when I'm lacking one of them.. Well, we can despite cigarettes becouse they're not the thing that I can't live without. Nor beer is. They just bring me some comfort. 

And I live in tomorrow. Yesterday I thought that tomorrow was the first day of summer, bet appearently it's just tomorrow, the day after another looking from yesterday. 

I don't wanna be lost here forever. And I told to myself that I wouldn't. I won't find any difficulties in leaving this place.
I need summer.. I need news from Norway.. I can't live in this lack of good news forever. Becouse here's enough of bad news. I don't think that God and fate can make fun of me that much. Or do they? I can't give up, I can change their decisions, but when I'm not an adult, I feel so weak.. And why people think that teens from 16 to 17 years old are so far from majority? It shows that they're looking not at a person, but the fucking law and god damned system. And they make us to obey.
And I want a bass guitar. So bad. I need this. Or accustic guitar first. But no, I don't want to be like these 'attractive' ones with no life nor society but guitar. I want to express myself as many ways as possible. I even started to draw, but not the things that I see in my imagination. I'm copying. But that isn't bad, I'm just getting skills.
And I forgot to say something. Yeah, a thing that really makes me free from everything (like I wasn't before :D). It's school. IT'S COMPLETELY DONE! I have only 1 year left on this thing. But this one year is going to be the best I could have ever had. That's it. Hello, Cleveland!

And along comes Mary.. mary, mary...

Hello. Goodbye. What is between them? Hellye?

That waiting, that solicitude.. Cmoon, does it need to take that long? Why..? What is happening? 
But ok. I'm getting full of patience. I'm becoming patient, yes. 
Hm.. What di I do when I wait? I do all the stuff that I had planned times ago. Here I am..

The storm was chasing and I was on a trip. It was quite wet but interesting. Not becouse of object we visited, but stuff that was happening in my head. First, I had a camera. Second, We were traveling ( I love traveling. You know.). Imagination - that was the third. Yeah, we were traveling over our country, but I was somewhere else. I was far away actually. Music and picture taking took me there, somewhere. Oh, the power of imaginaton and music.. It is so strong that I can't even. And a thing that I didn't like about the trip was people that I was traveling with. Oh well... I'd rather travel in my minds.

Save me, save me, 

From the darkest thoughts in my head

Hold me, hold me, 

Till everyone's on this Earth is dead..

Covered by blood snow is melting again

And my heart is again pierced with pain.

So me at the moment..

Die alone, die alone.. Feel no pain, becouse agony before death is too mainstream. Or simply no one will find me in my world, no one will show any interest of my surroundings, no one will ever dream about me. Heh.. I used to be the wrong persons all my time, but some people liked me. But I haven't feel myself at all. Now I do. A little, but I do. And then.. I became the most successful woman in the world. Successful.. Yes... Sure... Successful... I don't even know what success mean! So hopeless person.. Well. I have to survive. And wait for someone/something. When that something seems like that miracle, it goes somewhere else, far away from me. Cmon, feel free to run away.

Truputis ramybės - ir vėl nežinojimas kuo būt. Savimi - per daug neįdomu ir nuobodu. Kažkuo kitu - per lėkšta ir šlykštu. Vėl kamuoja nuotykių troškimai, noras pakeisti aplinką. Bent kiek. Tas pačias senas vietas galva sugeba paversti  visiškai naujas, su keliais idealais, tačiau neatmeta nepanaikina niekaip to beviltiškumo jausmo. Bad luck everywhere... Negaliu sakyti, kad ta bad luck reiškiasi visame kame. Nejaučiu, jog ji mane stalkintų all day everyday, tačiau ji niekada nepamiršta užsukti pas mane, kai aplink vyksta rimti dalykai. Ir bėda dar yra ta, kad jos neįmanoma įgnoruot.
I cannot be like others, can't even look at stupid bitches that are dressed up theirselves like barbies or flowers or stuff. I'm totally oposite. Now guess, who cares? Who notices my efforts of being different, of being me? No one. You're right. Becouse everyone is 'different', everyone is 'weird'.

17

Fellin' so wasted.. feelin' so goooodd~

This is not normal

The moon is a bit over the buildings, over the horizon. My minds are somewhere here. The boundless starry sky is above  me again. My minds are a bit further than they were before. Music, moon and sky. My minds are somewhere there~ I miss my feelings. But only one thing that can reach that string is.. words that I heard. I can't get used to them. I can't loose my hope not to be lonely. But I guess It's my fate, to be with someone I don't like. Doesn't matter how hard I could try or wait silently sitting on my butt, nothing changes. People that I like are far away.. Not even practically. No one will like me if like them. I can cry, cry again, stay calm, don't give a fuck, be myself or be someone else.. I won't be happy.
Happiness is being with people that you can talk with about same interests, being with people that won't ever turn against you or do something to hurt you. Music is also a very important part of happiness. It helps to figure out some things, brings some good ideas to solve one or another problem. But being with people, spending your spare time with them, doing  things that are as crazy as you are, sharing information that is interesting to all of you is impossible to me... Yes, my only way to happiness is music.. It's the thing that doesn't belong to anyone else, you can reach it anywhere. But when I see people who have always been by my side are now talking behind my back.. Damn, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Then I start thinking - there were a lot signs which were trying to warn me that we were no fit to each other, even if we pretended being friends. Being best friends.. Since our childhood~ But you just can't stop pretending, you are totally used to it! Becouse you were doing this since .. Since a long time ago.
I have never thought about that. Not until few months ago. I didn't care about that, but now I'm realising that I'm so lonely.. No true friends around. Only few acquaintances. One real friend is literally far away.
Okay. Texting all day, asking what is up, sharing information than connects us both, he is opposite
 sex than I am, 
he is handsome, has all the qualities that I like. 
And this person is totally inaccessible. I could try to get more his attention, but I just can't seem 
pesky and pathetic 
to anyone. EVEN WHEN I DON'T HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE AT STUFF LIKE THAT! 
Sometimes I have a feeling that is some kind of curse. Becouse that 'inaccessible man' thing 
happened to my mother 
too .Hell yeah, and I want to get wasted all the time. Then I wouldn't need any real happyness, I would 
have satisfied myself easy enough. But now.. D:<

So good to be bad

Bad.. Does it mean to stand out of law or.. Stand of religion? Don't pay much attention at moral stuff or make sins? Or not giving any fucks about society?
No feelings. None of stupid things can reach that responsive string which makes you weak. What happening? Is it bad? Bad again? Some of things you believe in, makes you feel like that. Makes you strong and helps you not to be weeper. Then everything seems so easy and high, that height seems like it's on your fingertips, you can even scream. But first - you mustn't be weeper. And look from all the corners. Can't say IF possible, becouse everything is possilble, just need to desire that.
I could also say that everything is possible.. But I'd lie. Just not for me. I can want as much as I want, I can even do something to reach my goal.. You say everything is possible if you want a lot. And I know that also, but I can't live like that, I keep it just like an idea, a phrase.. I can say for others, help them with their problems if they are on their life's crossroad, but me.. I can't help for myself. I'm so hopeless.

Flame on!

I am one, one that shines

Yeah, I was born of a scorpion´s mind

I am one, so alive

Don´t try to teach me what your lips can´t decide

I´m the sun, so alive

A simple breath´s all I need to get by

Words you speak are like dirt in my mind

I´m gonna burn till all the stars die

Sup, Anarchists?

I've been searching for some thing for long time. I can't really name them, coz I don't know how. The feel, the motivation to keep on moving against the flow. And when I realised what anarchy really is, I felt that I'm a step closer to that thing which I am looking for.
Screw jerks immediately - now it's much easier. When you realise that you are the boss here, not them.
Yeah, I used to be OK with these scumbacks.. Used to ignore jerkness and other shitty things. Well.. FUCK IT! I don't care what other'd think about me or how 'unfriendly', 'uninteligent' I am. And I never did. Well.. just a little, ,but not anymore. Just no god damned more.
You motherfuckers are disguisting.

Where the hell I should spend Easter?

Btw, 80's, you'd were era of good music, be proud

Hsntorzoi, Hsntorzosi mrksil qsm dqrhrmiū.

Lonely as always and happy as never

Destroy as many as possible things witch makes you feel more away from your friend than you are right now.

They are everything you could have ever asked for... But if you have a stupid head it will fly away from you as a smoke of that stupid cigarette witch you are taking carefully one by one.

Better sit somewhere where you could feel lonely as always but happy as never and where you could get rid of these thoughts. Sit somewhere where you could freeze the time of these wonderful sunlights comming from the West. Sit somewhere where you could be happy. In your head only. Sit somewhere where your minds are not dependent on anything or anyone, where Miami's Palm Beach, New York's labyrints, Nevada's deserts, Iceland's volcanoes and Rio De Jeneiro's 'come-at-me-bro' statue belongs only to you.

That's my own medication.

Inaccessibility

you are the biggest thought in my mind

melancholiacs..

Tired of same things

Another day under black sun

changes changes everywhere

They use force to make us do what the deciders have decided you must do

Sorry, but.. 

I do what I want

And srew you if you think I'm stupid or childish

Chuck the Eagle

Finally I've got something what I have wanted for a long time

The invisible jail

Why it's so easy to fall into your dream? It's so realistic.. It makes you believe that everything is so easy and awesome, so cute and irresistible. Even when you know it's just a dream.
Need a summer, need freedom, don't need any prohibitions. And I'd be happy as hell... Dreaming would be enough, though.
As I had said some time ago, I need changes. In a good or bad way. At least I got a tattoo. That helps me!
But I dream seldom Oo

Spanking much?

Needs

My blood needs some changes

My brains needs some changes

My heart need some changes

I need plenty of changes

Hello my dears-Good bye my tears

The

FREEDOM

Is the thing

When you

Keeping calm

And do

Whatever the Fuck

You want

Being young

And wild

What ha

Hey... Why I had a dream about ya last night? That feels so strange and familiar... I wasn't free to talk to you but you were more humanish. And a day after that the feelings are the same as they were in the dream. Long and exhausting dream. There was like some kind of competition between some girls but you were such a big secret for me. I did know nothing about you, only the fact about your existance and some poppy seeds in the cigarettes (?). But when I woke up in the middle of the dream, I decided to keep going on the dream. And I did. That was so weird...

Some of things will never get old

The big hard invention

Today I realised that.. I'm hardly lonely. Yes, I haven't known that since present.
Well, congratulations me!

Lonely as water drop in the desert, as explorer in the fourth dimention, as brain cell in blonde's head, as heart in human's body, as song on the skyscraper rooftop in the middle of the night...

And I'm not just writing! I mean it... And that sucks a lot.

Good Morning, New Year

I've decided: This year is being better

Bright Weather

Christmasmas with no snow in NewYork.

In my head actually.

I have my own world

It's strange for me

But I'm exloring

Basically I want to find

Something that I like

I want to be found

And do what I want

What would make me feel

 How I feel in my dreams

soon

Poor me, that's not my job.

SOON

Self esteem

By Ryan Gee

Live free or die

Stormless

Ville y u so .. inhuman?

Va ir pasisakiau.

Nesuvokiamas malonumas turėti savo laiko, tik sau, per kurį gali užsiimti dalykais, kurie tau patinka. Klausyti tai, kas tau patinka, daryti, kas tave išreiškia ar suteikia laisvės pojūtį. Užsiimti tuo, kas priverčia tave skraidyti.
Tik neįmanoma to daryti prie kitų žmonių, nes kad ir kaip mes tai neigiame, esame per daug suvaržyti žmonės elgtis laisvai. O jei dar ir stengiesi kam nors įtikti, įsiteigti... Ir tas toks kvailas jausmas, kai į tavo pastangas nėra kreipiamas dėmesys! Bent jau toks dėmesys,kuris tau pačiam patiktų. Tada ir improvizuoti sunkiai gali, nes esi artistas iš skirtingo žanro spektaklių bei teatrų.
Improvizuoji tik būdamas vienas...

Aš nuoširdžiai nekenčiu švietimo sistemos. Tai yra pieva. Kokio velnio keisti egzaminų sudėtį, struktūrą bei užduotis ir nekeisti to dalyko programos ir sumažinti savaitinių pamokų skaičių..? Jei jie nori sukirst ant egzaminų, ypač ant anglų, jums nepavyks, šliužai jūs! Verčiat likti varganoj tėvynėj..? Prie šito apibūdinimo neapsiverčia pirštai parašyti jos pavadinimą. Dar kai mokyklose moko malti š... Kalti tie, kurie sėdi tuose smėlėtuose rūmuose Vilniuj. Tai va, jums nepavyks mūsų sukirsti ant egzaminų. Mes lietuviai, ne kvaili žmonės, užuodžiam jūsų niekingą klastą!
I'm such a bad ass.
Ir man kyla depresija į paviršių, kai negaunu to, ko noriu. Tai, ko seniai norėjau! Hint: tai žmogiškas dalykas... :l

FREEDOM